Senioritis and idols

Capital Fellows
Apr 23
5 min read

By Chloe Chapman

For the past few months, I have been in a constant battle against a feeling of stuck-ness. I can attribute at least some of this stuck-ness to that ever so lovely phenomenon of “senioritis”—the drop in motivation brought out by the end drawing near. I am sure that almost everyone has experienced senioritis at some point or another–in fact, there may be some soon-to-be Capital Fellows reading this who are going through it right now. I had my bouts of senioritis around this time last year as I was finishing up the last quarter of school before graduation, and once more four years before that as I completed high school behind a computer screen, but neither of those encounters felt quite so severe as this one. In college, the desire to give up and just coast until graduation was balanced by the desire to graduate with a good GPA in case I eventually ended up deciding to apply to grad school.

Additionally, I have always been motivated (for better or for worse) by a strong internal competitiveness and a desire to do work well. This desire to do work well is still a strong motivating voice in me, but in a period of time where I am juggling so many different things and feel it is impossible to keep up, there is another voice that wonders whether I should even bother trying. That first voice, the “get an A plus”, or “be the smartest person in the room”, in competition with itself voice, has been quashed by a voice saying that if I can’t do everything perfectly, I should do nothing at all.

While doing a project for my internship, I stumbled across C.S. Lewis’ 1939 sermon, Learning in War-Time. The sermon made me think about a lot of different things, primary among them being, “Why haven’t we read this for Capital Fellows?” Well, it turns out we did read it for one of our seminary classes - all the way back in September. What’s more, I know for a fact that I did read it, because I read every single piece of literature we were assigned during those first couple months of class. But at the time, I was so caught up in it being homework, something I needed to get done so that I could move on to the next thing, that I retained nothing from it. This is incredibly ironic if you know what part of Lewis’ sermon is about: that academics and learning are designed for some higher purpose than only learning for learning’s sake. Lewis makes the point that learning in itself is a form of vocation that advances God’s kingdom, even when it is not obvious how. When I place the value of learning on whether I can do it well, I am missing out on the richness of the chance to know God better and glorify Him through my learning.

Lewis points out that scholars are in danger of making idols of their scholarly pursuits–loving knowledge more than the thing known. There is a part of me that knows that my work to finish out this year will not reach the perfectionist standard of work that I have set for myself, a standard that I have tried and failed to live up to my entire life. If Fellows has taught me anything, it has taught me that I have a great big “Idol of Smartness” taking up far too much real estate in my heart. The competitive voice that propelled me through college, and the defeatist voice that I am battling now, are one and the same–and both are destined to fail me. In Tim Keller’s book Counterfeit Gods that we read the summer before Fellows, he makes the point that if you manage to throw out one idol from your heart, that empty spot will just be filled up with a new idol, or a new form of the same idol, unless you find something better to fill it with. I am constantly swapping between the two extremes of this “Smartness Idol”: either putting all my efforts into trying to be the best or retreating from even trying for fear of not being the best. This idol desperately needs replacing, but it is an ongoing battle to do so. Heart change is neither easy nor quick, but Paul does give us some advice in Colossians for de-throning our idols.

"Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry" (Colossians 3:1-5 ESV).

I certainly do not feel like I have totally dispelled senioritis through these reflections from the past few weeks on learning and knowledge idols, but it has given me a new perspective as I navigate the final push of this last month of Fellows. I want to finish this year strong; and I hope that my motivation to do so will not be a desire to get the best grades or show that I am smart, rather, I want to pursue the kind of learning that is exciting; so that day by day, as I sit in class or read books or write my paper, I get to know God a little bit more.

Chloe Chapman is a member of the Capital Fellows class of 2024-25. She is from Vancouver, WA, and is a graduate of the University of Washington. This year, she is working at CCCU Government Relations in Ballston, VA.

Pictures From The Week

Fellows and friends brave the cherry blossom crowds at Tidal Basin!

Know a Potential Capital Fellow?

If you know a college senior or recent graduate who should consider joining the Capital Fellows program in 2025-26, please encourage them to get in touch with us. The easiest way to express interest in the program is through our Contact Us Form. You can learn more about the program, including application deadlines, by visiting the Capital Fellows website.

About Capital Fellows. Capital Fellows is an advanced leadership and discipleship program for recent college graduates. Through graduate courses, a paid internship, one-on-one mentoring, and many leadership and community service opportunities, fellows develop and apply their gifts in real-world situations while learning to integrate a Christian worldview into all areas of life. Capital Fellows is a unique opportunity to live and work in the Washington DC area and to be an active member of a supportive community that seeks to serve the city with the love of Christ. It is also a unique opportunity to get hands-on experience in the workplace while deeply exploring God’s design for us as workers and contributors to human flourishing.

Pray for the Capital Fellows

Thank you for praying for the Capital Fellows each week!

As the Fellows continue to move towards their last couple weeks of the program, please pray that they would be strengthened and energized to be good stewards of their various placements for this year. Whether they are tutoring at Cornerstone, serving their host-families, working diligently in their jobs, or serving their youth/children ministries well, please pray that the Fellows would go about these next couple of weeks with a willingness to give back!

Want to learn more about Season 18? Click the button below to read through their bios!

Meet the Fellows

About The Fellows Initiative

Capital Fellows is part of a network of similar programs across the country. This network is called The Fellows Initiative. There are 34 Fellows programs in TFI, roughly 3,200 alumni living around the world, and more Fellows programs on the way.

If you know a church in the US or Canada that would benefit from joining TFI by launching a new Fellows program. Please contact TFI by visiting their website.